Well things have changed so much I hardly recognise myself. I am comfortable and almost happy in my own skin. I have learnt so much about myself and who I am.
I lost who I was I became a sort of robot trying to conform to ever changing boundaries, rules and when I thought I was almost meeting an arbitrary standard or expected way to be, the goal posts would change yet again.
It is hard to admit and speak about the level, intensity and amount of verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse I suffered for 18 years. No one will ever really know as I have been conditioned to think a certain way about myself and when I hear someone's thoughts or their reaction to what I became to see as normal it scares me as often those are the 'lesser' things as I am willing to talk about them.
When I started to hear myself saying more and more often 'please don't treat our daughter like you do me, because she doesn't understand it' I started to question what I was setting my daughter up for. When she started to hide how she felt and would talk to me in secret I knew I had to change things. I had at this point checked out emotionally. You learn to switch your feelings off to protect them I became a shell, kind of half of me.
Things are looking up and I am lucky enough to have found someone very special who I can share the rediscovered me with and he likes all of me for me. It is awesome to be with someone you can truly be yourself with all of me not just what I think he wants to see.
